blog . . .

hey disclaimer this entries gonna be kinda depressing (if the title didnt tip you off lol) i will not take offense if you're not in the right headspace to read the depressing bullshit im about to spit

anyways, anybody else feels like theyve wasted so much of their life and theyre so behind that there just isnt a point in living anymore? just me? oh... well anyway i need to vent.

i know my main problem right now is i go nowhere but the same two places. (my gfs house and my bedroom). i just need to get out a bit more and my whole aditude will turn around and i want to man do i want to but it literally is not that fucking easy. i cant even cough up 20 dollars for a ticket to this show i wanna see. plus no car.

one of those problems is infinitely easier to fix. i don't plan on ever getting a car, my girlfriend committed to the chaufer role from the minute she got her liscence before we even stopped being long distance so that's no real issue.

nono my real issue is my unemployed status and how i am doing nothing to fix it.

in my defense fixing it isnt just as easy as applying to a bunch of places and waiting for a call back because i dont have a social. or an id. so im kinda fucked because everytime i go to the social security office to get my id i cant even get in the fucking door to get my social because no id. easy right just get your id first. NOPE gotta have my fuckin social for that. you can see the predicament. i could just use my school id but fuck you for thinking that cause that one dissappeared along with my fucking social. because that was my id so i kept them together when i got my last job. so dont you dare ask me where they are now cause why would i know that fuck you.

sorry it's not your fault im irresponsible.

i dunno man im doing fucking nothing with my life and like i know im only 19 ive still got a bunch of life to live (or maybe not even if the world keeps up the way it is) but holy fuck man i wanna start living now.

but it's cool im hanging on till friday cause that's when my headphones get here. headphones are safe for me.

too safe. i can barely function without them. kinda gross fact i can't shower without my headphones. literally cant take it. absolute sensory nightmare. not like i HAVENT showered since they broke, just been avoiding it. i also just cant work. cant write scripts, cant draw, hell the only reason i can even code is pure will power coursing through my veins. wish i had that type of will power for actual productive shit but yk,,,, whatever man

im just angsty cause my periods on its way. classic hysterical woman.

that was a lot sorry. thabks for reading all that. heres some cookies i made with my friend (whos bday it is today) as a treat for u

woah... personal entry... don't usually do those lol...

anyways, ever since around i wanna say march ish?? i've been trying to get better at taking care of growing my hair out.

as a black fem my hair's been part of my identity for forever. well.... sort of. i'll tell you my hairs always been a thing. I used to wear it in a fro from like pre-k until about i wanna say 2nd grade (yes i still measure things by school year despite having been out of school for a full year now leave me alone.) and when second grade came around that's when the PERMS CAME. and like, obviously. very damaging. and painful. and i remembered when i was a kid my older sisters would always tease me for my 'over the top' reactions to getting my hair permed and flat ironed but that shit fucking HURT man.

and then. there was the jerry curl phase. thankfully very short lived but to get there i got a fucking CHEMICAL BURN ON MY SCALP that only recently healed. mind you i was like nine when i got that shit done. hell. hellfire on all the adults in my life.

after that i'd kind of left my hair alone since i was now in the primary care of my brother who did not know how to do hair. he'd take me to get braids every so often or my sisters would plait my hair or straighten it for special events and stuff like that.

when i moved with my mom my hair was kind of my own responsibility. i was around 12 and had never been taught how to actually do anything with it (mind you this shit is still damaged as fuck at this point) so the main thing i'd do was just. basic ponytail. everyone knows the suburban black girl ponytail. an absolute travesty.

but on my 14th birthday is when i said no more. i wanted one thing for my birthday and that was to chop all my hair off and get locs. and let me tell you i was absolutely ecstatic with the change. i know a lot of people talk about the "ugly stage" of their locs but i believed in no such thing. i think the main stigma of the "ugly phase" in locs is usually with other fems and it's cause they don't like short hair. but me? oh baby i was LOVING IT.

all my life i was never allowed to get my hair cut. i think it was obvious from a young age i'd been more boyish (my mom even said something about it when i showed excitement about finally being able to get my hair cut) and so i guess to combat that i was never really allowed to get my hair cut. and youd think because of that my hair would be pretty long. but no. because i was never taught how to properly care for it, on top of all the chemicals in my head, ON TOP of never having gotten even a TRIM my hair was pretty much fuckin dead. like dude. it was shoulder length from the ages of 10 to when i chopped it off.

and i loved my locs. at every stage. but ESPESCIALLY on the date april 2nd 2022. because despite not yet being the agreed upon age of 16 where i would be allowed to make anymore major changes I DYED MY HAIR. not even a lot for real it was a little red patch my sister helped me do cause she was dying her hair and i was like "woah.... i can be like knives chau...." and so then i dyed my hair like knives chau.

AND THEN IT ONLY WENT DOWNHILL FROM THERE LOL i've dyed my hair more times than i can reasonably count dude. it's fucking nuts. if you would consult the graph AND THAT'S NOT ALL OF THEM just the ones i really liked. i've done some of the colors their more than once like i've had shadow hair like three seperate times lol. i don't dye it when major changes happen though no longer a thing i do because that shit gets expensive and i can't shoplift as easily anymore.

anyways. after all that one day in april 2024 right before my senior prom i went fucking nuts and straight up chopped all my hair off. very hastily. with kitchen scissors. this was near the time of The Great Purge that i've mentioned in my about me where i took all my room decorations down. and also quit my job on a random sunday. and no one had any concern for my mental health. it'd be funny if it wasn't a little worrying.

i needed a refresh though. my locs were thouroughly bleached to hell and back bro. i was using SPLAT BOX BLEACH. AND NOT EVEN THE BLEACH KIT. JUST THE BLEACH THAT WOULD COME IN THE COLOR KIT. and i wasnt even really taking care of my hair either so my shit was DYINGGGG LMAO. i cut off all the still bleached parts in around late july last year when i moved in with my girlfriend. keeping with the need to change my hair during big changes.

when i decided i wanted to take better care of my hair i knew i had to control myself when it came to color and all that. i didn't think bleach was like the absolute devil or anything but i wanted to make sure my hair was being properly cared for before i started messing with bleach and things of that matter espescially since i always color my hair myself at home.

i've only gotten my hair professionally colored ONCE out of like the 20 times ive gotten it colored and that was for my 16th birthday. it was pretty cute.

anyways, since i wanted to slow down i didn't bleach or dye my hair for like a good while i wanna say about a year. i know i didn't dye it again until after it was a year after i first cut my locs cause it was late april. and then i was like im sick of boring black hair i hate black hair on me it doesnt fit me at ALL i need a change.

so then i dyed it! cute auburn look with a neat skunk stripe totally cute. except not even really cause i was such a pussy with the bleach it barely even lifted!!! and it was really fuckin patchy and only looked actually red in certain lighting

anyways, ive been such a good boy that i decided to treat myself and dye my hair again! so i went over to my girlfriend's today and i redyed my hair! i've been wanting to for a while. i liked the dark auburn but i've been wanting more of a true ginger. i've dyed my hair ginger more times than i can count lol, my favorite was when i layered this neat pink over the ginger and it faded to this really gorgeous kind of strawberry blonde look very cutesie very sugoi. i've also been wanting light roots for a while i've been obsessed with kelis's hair and i wanted that for myself. so i GOT IT FOR MYSELF MOTHERFUCKER. here's a shitty webcam selfie cause all the ones i take on my phone suck. im hayley williamsing it up right now and im obsessed with it i love. AND I USED PROPER BLEACH THIS TIME LIKE DEVELOPER AND EVERYTHING truly moving up in the world.

i feel like everytime i dye my hair though the bleach seeps into my moms brain and not mine because she's like "you put bleach in your hair???" and it's like... yes. because my hair is jet black. i cannot get color in it if i don't bleach it we go through this everytime.

cause like last time i dyed my hair i think i said this but im too lazy to go back and read, i didn't properly bleach the red parts of my hair which is why they came out like that (and also like the entire back of my head was black but dgaf bitches) so i was sure to properly bleach it this time. the problem with the way i would previously do my hair was just slapping bleach on top of bleach. the part i DID properly bleach (my little skunk stripe) i left ALONE this time. because i didn't wanna overprocess my hair. which is what fucked me up last time.

anyways. my hair's def wayyy drier now so i'm gonna be making sure i pack that moisture back in in my upcoming washdays.

haha speaking of while she was washing my hair my girlfriend was continuously getting frustrated because i quote "IT JUST WONT GET WET" and it was even funnier because it eventually did get wet obvi but then i got outta the shower, shook my head a little like a dog and poof! back to the fro. it was like i'd only lightly misted my hair. safe to say she was pretty taken aback by that one lol.

but yeah gonna work on making sure i get to moisturizing n shit. like i oil my hair daily and i use tons of deep conditioner and shit like that. im still getting the hang of having a somewhat proper hair care routine and it's a bit rough n tumble but it's been working pretty far. when i picked my hair out today and saw just how much new growth i had in only three months i was kinda taken aback but my hairs always grown pretty fast since i cut it back in 2020.

my mom's always on and on about it getting long enough to where i don't have to just wear my fro out but the thing is i like my fro. and i dont want my hair to get longer in the way she wants it to i just want it to get BIGGER i couldnt give less of a fuck about hang time n all that. i want big erykah badu hair. I DONT CARE IF IT WASNT HER REAL HAIR THIS IS MY ULTIMATE GOAL

strap the fuck in this ones long. one day i may make a video about it but anyways.

okay for a bit of background if you live under a fucking rock, yandere simulator is (dude youll never fucking guess this) a game that's a simulator of being a yandere. wild concept??

basically you play as a girl with a crush on a guy who's got the entire fucking town drooling over him, and to win his heart you've gotta take out a bunch of other chicks to gain his affection. pretty self explanatory. it started development back in i BELIEVE 2014??? dont quote me on that i cant be bothered to look it up lol.

but yeah basically it's been in development for a while. i stopped keeping up in around 2022-ish when it hit me that dude. this game started development when i was in elementary and i was now in my sophomore year of highschool and i think the FIRST rival still hadn't been implemented. so yeah i was a bit disilusioned about it. then came the innappropriate shit the dev had been doing with minors and i'd officially decided to jump ship.

in the time i had been keeping up with the game though i'd fallen in love with the concept. i'd watch videos and videos about the development and those kubzscout theory videos and shit like i was hooked i really thought yandere simulator would be something.

but that was back in around 2016-2018, at the games peak, when the premise hadn't been lost.

see a yandere simulator sounds like a pretty goofy concept. and that idea wasnt foreign to yandev, he'd kind of embrassed it at first with yandere simulator being a kind of shitposty sandbox type deal. even when we first got our look into the ten rivals to come and the upcoming schoolweeks (think levels) it still had a light and fun jokey air about it. it was pretty neat.

but then.

yandev got this idea that hitman and persona weren't just vague comparisons of what his game would be. no he had the strange idea that the game would fully be a mashup of those two concepts that already don't fucking work together. he started to come up with fucking lore. and a more expanded universe of sorts. and that would be all good and dandy if he'd looked at the game and decided to just start over from scratch. like that's all cool shift directions all you want.

except. he didn't. he started adding all this stuff into a game that's base was already a shitpost. how am i supposed to think about the lore of a game and take it seriously when you're using unity store assets and have a character named fucking MIDORI GURINU. THE BITCH'S NAME IS GREEN GREEN. GET FUCKING REAL ALEX.

a lot of people when talking about the story and design of yandere simulator and it's characters shit on it for not being serious. but here's the deal. it was never supposed to be serious. we were never supposed to care about any of these characters or their lore. this was supposed to be a silly easter egg filled sandbox game. so if anything we should be shitting on the pitiful attempts at lore.

i don't keep up with the yansim lore but my god from the bits and pieces i was around for when it was being updated... dude. please for the love of god get so fucking for real. right now. im begging you.

what is this aishi family curse bullshit? no one cares!!!! i liked that one short vid where it was IMPLIED that mrs.aishi knew a thing or two about killing and maybe even supported her daughters murders. but all in all i just do not give a fuck and don't know why it was added into some sort of expansive lore. WHY DOES THIS GAME EVEN HAVE LORE.

also feel like a lot of people kinda got mad at the misunderstanding of the yandere trope because yandere's arent like heartless and emotionless or whatever and while i agree this game has def tainted the creations of some random teen's yandere ocs (mine included) i dunno it fits the type of game this originally was. like of course she's a blank slate she's not even really supposed to be a character. everyone here's based on tropes. yandere, boring harem protagonist, childhood best friend, creepy occult girl, hell even the bully gyaru stereotype. like it's all fine and dandy in a vaccum like this game was originally supposed to be.

but now we're supposed to care about these characters and their backstories and all that bullshit but it's like dude.... too little too fuckin late i do not give a fuck.

girl tell me why when i finally join mcrtwt they decide they wanna reignite shipping wars

this shit would've never happened on fobtwt... we all love each other... except that one person that said shipping petekey was inherently racist... that one was a lil weird. but even when i was in my BIGGEST petekey hater phase i'd never seen people go to the length these guys go to

eh well okay it's not that bad but it is a little annoying

for context, mcr performed yesterday and NEW RAYRARD KIS!! EEK!!! obviously if you couldn't tell im fighting the rpf war on the side of rayrard. that is mama and papa and i don't take criticism. they are married and in love forever.

but anyways someone posted asking if anyone recorded any frerard crumbs since rayrard girlies were eating so well...

JUST BIG N FUCKIN GREEDY. LIKE NO ONE CARES NO ONE CARES! YOU GUYS GET EVERYTHING YOURE THE MAIN SHIP IN THE FANDOM DUDE LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONEUGHHH YOU GET ALL THE FANART ALL THE EDITS ALL THE FICS LET US HAVE THIS ONE SHOW CAUSE GOD KNOWS THEYLL PROBABLY BE ALL UP ON EACH OTHER NEXT SHOW.

yeah dunno if it's obvious i'm not a fan of frerard. my problem with frerard is the same as my problem with petekey whichis that the fans are just super fucking annoying. like the way petekeys make every fall out boy song about mikey. they have to make EVERYTHING ABOUT FRERARD and i personally just find it annoying. i have frank frerard and any variation of those two words MUTED ON TWT and i block anyone i find annoying about either one i just cannot be bothered to care. this is a RAYRARD HOUSEHOLD.

and like someone was like "blocking people over a ship is dumb" which is like opening to a second mini rant. PEOPLE TAKE BLOCKING SOOOOO FUCKING PERSONALLY me blocking you RARELY and i mean very super mega rarely means i dislike you as a person. cause like. this is the internet girl idk you. me blocking you just means i don't like what you post so STOP TAKING IT PERSONALLY!!!! please for the love of god stop coming on my goddamn strapage asking why you were blocked cause girl I DUNNO i will block you for simply agreeing with a take i don't like.

anyways girl someone put it best. rpf shipping wars mean absolutely nothing because NONE OF THIS IS REAL. THESE MEN ARE MARRIED. YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR NOTHING NEITHER OF YOUR SHIPS ARE ACTUALLY REAL youre supposed to just have fun thinking about it not get mad at other people for not liking what you like. like i know i shit on frerard shippers for rayrard being the superior ship (cause it is) but like. girl. none of this is real.

i SUCCESSFULLY went most of pride month without getting my existence debated in my face

that was UNTIL i redownloaded tiktok now it's like every few scrolls i get discourse shoved down my throat holy fuck do you guys ever shut up about he/him lesbians? like i guarantee you NO ONE CARES

as a he/him lesbian im just SICK of it, no one in real life bats an eye when i say i'm a lesbian i get a FEW questions at most. but you guys are CONVINCED that we're the reason that people don't take trans men and lesbians serious. and sure to SOME bigots that may be true but at the end of the day a bigot will be a bigot, theyre not gonna fuck with gay people regardless of whether he/him lesbians are a thing or not so who fucking cares

and i think this whole thing of policing other people's queer identities is just a product of not interacting with queer spaces outside of your junior high gsa club. listen i get it, you're new to being queer and have rigid ideas of labels. it's a big scary world out there and you just wanna make sense of it all, i understand that.

that however does not give you the right to put queer people into boxes, the whole idea of queer identities is that they fuck up the cishet norm. of course theres gonna be contradicting labels that's just part of being alive. it literally is not even hurting anyone but you know what IS hurting people? constant discourse. that's why i stayed in the closet so long because i feared my own community wouldn't take me serious or accept me. and ykw that's kinda just not my business anymore. like i do not care and neither should you on both sides of the argument.

if you're a queer person with contradicting labels that's the literal best kind of queer you can be, like it's not a competition but you're for sure winning

and if you have a problem with queer people with contradictory labels, how does it bother your day? why does where i choose to put my strap such a Thing for you?

i LIKE being a dyke. i like calling myself a lesboy. i ENJOY how my gender and label actually DO coincide for me. because i DON'T think my transmascness is at odds with my lesbianism, i think they go hand in hand ACKSHUALLY thank you berry munch. and i feel like it's that way with a lot of transmasc lesbians.

if YOURE transmasc and other transmascs identifying as lesbians makes you uncomfortable in your validity, maybe that's something you've gotta look inward on dude i'm gonna be honest cause at first i was literally the same way. but like at the end of the day, that's not you is it? it has nothing to do with you. so who fucking cares?

ALSO im not a big fan of the whole "non men loving non men" description of lesbianism but some of you guys get REAL fuckin terfy with it. like i can see why some people use that description so i'm not gonna bash people for using it (outside of trying to exclude trans lesbians (on EITHER side of the spectrum)) but when you guys start bashing on it and start saying how lesbianism is "exclusively for cis fem4fem GIRLS" yall be losin me.

anyways. just chill the fuck out and go outside.

i havent kissed ANY girls this pride month but i keep fucking seeing bullshit discourse on my timeline. what a time to be alive. to quote fall out boy.

no one cares about the ethics or logistics of mpreg but you know who DOES??? me!!!!

i don't know, im a weirdo. i enjoy the occasional mpreg fic, it's like, it makes sense that i do though you know? like i'm a trans guy who eventually wants to have kids i think that's the closest we'll ever get to real life mpreg even if it wouldn't seem like it since i make no attempts to pass irl.

anyways, as someone who's been consuming mpreg since way before i shouldve even been allowed on the internet, i can't help but wonder about the logistics?? some people just yadda yadda hand wave it away and like, i can see why but have you ever really sat and wondered about how it'd work? like why some men can get pregnant and others cant? because with real world biology it's a division of biological sexes, but then that calls into question the division of biological sexes within the mpreg space.

and of course this could easily be explained with the concept of a/b/o or omegaverse. which like, yeah sure i guess.

speaking on that topic, why don't we have more fempreg in omegaverse? i don't mean just women getting pregnant i mean WOMEN GETTING OTHER WOMEN PREGNANT!!! (concept of a woman getting me pregnant....drool..... insert perverted lesbian image here again lol) maybe it's cause im a fujo freak who mostly reads gay shit but like... dude cmon get on that i have yet to see it anyways.

anyways, so in omegaverse the reason some men experience mpreg is cause despite being biologically male they posess a womb because their secondary gender is omega. makes sense. easy enough.

now how do they give birth is the question on MY mind.

i've seen some fics go the c-section route, some of them just skip over it entirely, some go the intersex route, and some just straight up give them the um... needed equipment. and those are all fine and dandy ways of going about it im not gonna lie like those are all solid ways to do it

but what about the fics that ARENT omegaverse? cause im reading one right now and bro's in the second trimester and like we've already established he's got a dick, trust me i know it, and im just curious as to how he's gonna you know like, do the thing.

and i know i've gotta read further to find out but like i don't know, im the type of guy to google "does x character die" when watching movies i've got no patience for that watch on and find out. also i'm just a really slow reader

my current hypothesis is that it's just gonna be a c-section. the fic is pretty grounded in reality and that's the most realistic thing i can think of so... maybe? i dunno. i don't even know if we're gonna focus on that part tee bee atch... this is more of a fic about the pregnancy itself than anything really before or after each chapter is named "first, second, or third" trimester so who even knows if he'll give birth maybe it'll be in the non existent follow up fic.

first blog entry yay! can you believe i was originally debating on whether i even wanted a blog, at first i was like i don't really need one since i've got a journal but like i don't have one now also oversharing doesn't count if no one reads it

anyways, just like the title says social media is KILLING ME holy fuck bro. I saw a post earlier and it was like "we're seeing literal genocide followed by get ready with me's and you think that's not fucking up our brain in some capacity?" and like holy fuck get this man a TRUE. i couldn't have phrased it better myself and i feel like it's really desensitizing me to the horrors of the world while simultaniously making me more anxious than ever.

i've been talking about wanting to ditch social media for a while, and i'd really like to but that's where most of my friends are and how they get in contact with me so that's HARD it's also where i post all my art and stuff and that's how i make money so i dunnooooooo!!!!!

i think what im gonna do is just ween myself off little by little. i've already deleted tiktok cause holy fuck that app is a hellscape i hate it there. i already had a time limit but now it's gone for good, let's see if i get any brain cells recovered

i'd totally delete twitter if i could but ALL MY BANDOM FRIENDS ARE THERE!!! I CAN'T BARE TO DITCH THOSE GUYS!! what am i gonna do if i don't scroll twitter like the morning news and here all the ways my oomfs wanna dip ray toro in honey???

that's what makes the doom scrolling all worth it.

also i'd like neocities to be my main and only social media but i just get so in my head when it comes to page layouts and stuff like that i don't think i could reasonably do it, although now that i have a blog i don't NEED a seperate page to talk about everything so who knows...maybe...

i WOULD like to say that if i delete all social media i'd end up going outside way more and living life but like... cmon we both know that's nowehere near true lol... ESPESCIALLY NOT RIGHT NOW UGH my mom fucking grounded me LIKE IM NOT A GROWN ASS MAN???? like lady i turn 19 in less than a month fuck do you mean i can't go out with my friends????

but when EYE stay inside voluntarily it's a problem. right... right... what fuckin ever man ugh.